Finding Peace in My Time of Being Alone: 1st Semester Recap (Part 1)

I know I've been gone for at least a month. Well, quite frankly the whole first semester. And I have a good reason as to why. As you know I attend Florida Atlantic University, and within maybe week one or two once school started, I wasn't happy. if you want me to be honest I was depressed even. Weird right? The title of my blog is Happy Thoughts with Hannah, and here I am sharing the saddest and lowest point in my life. Though I was sad for the time being, I knew it was for a reason.

I mean to be constantly doing the same routine over and over again of waking up, going to my classes, going to the dining hall, and eating there by myself, to then be doing my homework in my dorm room can honestly be quite tiring. I came from having a big friend group in high school to now going to college and being alone, which was scary to me. I mean going to the dining hall alone and having to sit at a table by myself where everyone around me is conversing with one another at different tables with the music blasting throughout the dining hall was quite bad enough. Sometimes I would skip meals and avoid the dining hall, just so that I wouldn't sit and eat alone. Sorry, mom.

Every night I'd cry myself to sleep begging and asking God to send me a community or someone who has the same morals as me just so that I can have someone to connect with. Ironically before I left to go to college, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be calling on my parents as much because I'm thinking to myself, "I'm a college student, I'm independent, I don't need to call my parents often because I can handle things on my own." Well, that went well until about finishing the first week of school. I remember expressing to my mom and my sister Taylor while I was on FaceTime with them telling them how lonely it has been for me on campus. They would say to me, "Hannah, you just got on campus, you'll find your people it just takes time. Once you join organizations and clubs, you'll make friends." I took their advice and started going to a few Christian organizations and other clubs that FAU has on campus the next few weeks, and it was nice to go and learn about growing within my relationship with God, but I was still wanting that community and friendship that the organization was lacking. Every time I went, I was left with that same feeling: empty. And of course, with talking to them so many times and with them saying the same thing of, "Finding friends takes time, you have to join organizations and clubs." On hearing that, I started to grow a little impatient because I'm thinking to myself, "Well, I'm going to these clubs and organizations, so why am I not making any friends yet!" And I started to realize that with the struggle of being alone, I also felt my patience and faith in God being tested throughout this whole process.

I felt that at that time, God wasn't listening to me. As a matter a fact, and this might sound crazy to think, but I felt like He enjoyed watching me cry myself to sleep at night and asking Him, "Why me God? You hear my cries every night, why are you making me suffer through college alone? Did I even make the right choice by coming here? Don't you want me to be happy? You're supposed to be a good God who does good things?! Why are you treating me this way?" All those thoughts would be played out in my head every single night. Because to tell you the truth, guys, I felt like He enjoyed watching me suffer. I was so used to having the big friend group that I was able to build relationships and a bond over the past four years when we were in high school, but now since we're not in high school anymore, and life just keeps going and going, I have to adjust to making friends in college. Now, of course, I still keep in touch with my friend group in high school, I just need to make adjustments and find my kind of people in college. Which was hard to do at that time

You know that Bible verse in John 13:7 that says, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." It wasn't until the first week of September, that my suitemates and roommate had to be in isolation, and I had the whole dorm to myself for the next two weeks. If I'm going, to be honest, it was weird because once they left, I was thinking to myself, "Well, what do I do now?" Because at that point, I was alone and was able to not have to quarantine in the dorm room, so at this point, I was trying to find things to do to cure my boredom.

While I was having dance parties in my room by myself, I slowly started to make my way back to the Christian organization, and instead of finding a seat in the back like I usually do, I found a seat in the middle and sat down just people watching; because taking into account of what my mom has said, you want friendships to happen organically. Within about ten minutes the large group started, and we were doing fun ice-breaking questions. In which to be quite honest, I can only remember one question that was being asked which was what is your favorite Disney movie. Now considering that I was sitting in the middle with people standing and sitting around me conversing, I didn't think anything too much of it in hopes that someone would come up to me and talk to me because, to be honest, I was fine with just people watching. At least I thought so, because the next thing I knew, a girl, Ashleigh Pierce, who turned around smiled at me, and asks me the question (Ashleigh if you're reading this, I'm so thankful for you. Thank you for being such a light and just constantly e encouraging me to be a better woman of God. I'm so blessed to have met you as you also opened up a safe space for me with your Women's Bible Study.) I had two answers to this question in which it was Tangled and Monsters Inc. Ashleigh and I bonded over the love of Disney and Disney movies. She then asked me if she wanted to sit with me because she could sense that no one was sitting by me knowing that the large group service was about to start. With sitting with her, we got to know each other a little bit before praise and worship started. An hour or so later, large group ends, and before parting ways I thanked her for just being so kind, and so welcoming and to just letting me sit with her; and without going into too much detail I shared with her how tough these past couple of weeks have been for me in terms of adjusting to being on my own, making new friends, and even with now having my roommate and suitemates be in quarantine for the next two weeks, and how it's hard for me to prioritize my mental health, and even get into the habit of reading God's word; Having to share that with her, I'll never forget how attentive she was to hear what I had to say. I remember Ashleigh thanking me for allowing me to share my story with her, and that she'll be for sure praying for me. And that I remember her specifically telling me to cherish this time with my roommate and suitemates being gone for the time being, and to take the time in doing quiet time with Him and reading His word. She gave me her number and even encouraged me to join her Bible study that she made at the start of the Fall semester called Beyond Ladies Bible Study in which at the time, was meeting on Sundays. I left the large group feeling encouraged and hopeful into thinking that maybe this Fall Semester isn't going to be so bad knowing that I met Ashleigh.

Coming back home from the dorm room that same night, I facetime my mom once again, almost crying happy tears instead of crying out of feeling depleted of being alone, I told her everything that has happened during my night at large group. And it's safe to say that my mom was right in knowing that things are to be looking up for me when it's time. I remember her telling me that before I go to bed tonight, to thank God for sending me someone like Ashleigh to befriend and answer my prayers. Once the Facetime call ended, I went to bed that night feeling filled with joy and elated knowing that God was listening to me pretty much the entire time. I just needed to be patient.

A few weeks go by, and I'm on the phone with my godmother, or if we want to be specific, titi Nerissa.

My godmother Nerissa and I with our annual car selfies

(Titi, if you're reading this, I love you so much thank you for everything and just always being there for me. Thank you for answering my phone calls and text messages lol) I pretty much talk to her every chance I get when she and I aren't busy. Even though we've known each other for about seven years, Titi's and I's relationship happened organically, as it has gotten to the point where we've known each other our whole lives. I was giving her a brief synopsis of how college has been treating me so far, and when it came to the part of how it was for me to connect and make friends, she asks if it was ok if I was able to meet someone that she knows who currently goes to FAU, and is one of her many nieces on Friday. With her stating that the person is very special to her because titi Nerissa has known her since she was a baby. I was looking forward to getting to know a friendly face here on campus, just so in case if times do get rough, I can always hang out with her. If you're wondering who I'm referring to, her name is Charleston, but she also likes being called Charlee which is her nickname. (Charlee, if you're reading this, hey girl! I hope you're doing well. Thank you so much for meeting up with me, and just being all around the sweetest person. Meeting you has made me being on campus a lot easier knowing that I know someone here at FAU. Thank you so much for welcoming me with open arms). We meet up at Starbucks that is located by the Breezeway on campus, and I'm not going to lie I was a little nervous before she even got here because I wanted someone to connect with here on campus, and I wanted her to like me. However, once she got there, all the little nervous jitters instantly went away, because she was just so nice and welcoming right from the start. And before I knew it, we just got right into getting to know each other: talking about our favorite vacation spots, our families, our favorite hobbies, and she even told me what her experience it was like to be on the FAU dance team, which I thought was pretty cool. I can't remember everything that she and I talked about, but I remember us sitting outside of Starbucks for I believe was two hours. Before we each had to go, I hugged her and thanked her for meeting up with me, because as I said earlier, I was a little nervous because I really wanted someone to connect with me while I was on campus.

Charlee and I at a tailgate before the homecoming game, FAU vs. UTEP

After meeting Charlee, I had a feeling of encouragement. I started getting used to being alone. Even to the point where I would find an open seat outside to sit at, whereas before I would get nervous because I thought it was needed to sit with someone while I was having lunch or dinner. Then I realized, how much I value and cherish that time of being alone at lunch because I was then able to gather myself within that period and even watch a few Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Martin episodes before going back to my crazy schedule! In the midst of realizing how overwhelmed, I used to be with eating inside the dining hall, I was then able to take into account that eating outside of the dining hall isn't so bad: people barely take recognition of the sitting area that is outside of the dining hall which means you'll very most likely have a seat available, it's peaceful and quiet, and you get to watch your favorite TV shows or make a phone call or two without being bothered. Even with there being a not only much needed but also short surprise visit from my friend Dalia and her dogs Jasper and Speckles, I was slowly able to realize that even if within the first three weeks of school is in session, that even though with my friends Dalia, Chisom or Alycia who are not within reach of me physically, I can always count on them to put on a smile on face with a few Facetime calls, a text or two. And hey, even when I thought God wasn't able to bless me with influential people in my life to walk alongside me this Fall Semester, I always knew I had them.

Dalia and her puppy, Jasper.

Now don't get me wrong, I did have a couple of moments to myself where I found myself back feeling defeated because as much as I found comfort in having peace within myself and being patient in what God is trying to tell me, I felt like this transition of going to college was a bad idea. With the Fall Semester, I had goals I wanted to achieve and wanted to be met: joining The Black Student Union, branching out within writing my articles for The Paradigm Press, and getting a job on campus. All those goals were achieved in due time. Granted some of them were hard, but I was able to avoid those obstacles and get it done. However, I felt that one of the goals, which was meeting new people was a little bit hard for me. It was a little bit shocking, to say the least, because I thought that I would've achieved that goal within the first few weeks of the semester starting. I remember sending in a voice memo to Chisom and Alycia (I love you both so much. Thank you so much for keeping me sane throughout the first semester when I thought things would be going left instead of right.) giving them an update about what has happened the past couple of weeks. Mainly stressing how hard it was for me to keep smiling and continue on with completing this first semester when I'm doing this all alone. Once sending this 1-2 minute voice memo, Alycia responds with this text message that resonated with me that same night.

Because in a way, Alycia was right. When transitioning from high school to college, you won't be seeing the same people that you went to high school with. Back in high school, it was easier for me to make friends and stick with the same friends because I was always with them: sometimes being in the same class as them, walking each other to class, being involved in the theater department, etc. Now that I'm in college, I don't see them as much as I used to because we've all gone to different schools: some went off to UCF, Rollins College, and some are even taking school online. In which to sum it up, we're all busy. And the fact of the matter is, I knew what was coming once I was all settled in my dorm. I knew that I had to basically start all over again; like for starters introducing myself and having to tell people my name. I knew that I had to put myself out there more... And if I'm being honest, I was terrified. I didn't know what the outcome would be if I basically had to go up to someone and say, "Hi, I'm Hannah nice to meet you!" Sure that is simple enough to say hi, but how can I keep the conversation going without being awkward. And I know that's only the negative thoughts in my head that made me feel that way. Sooner or later, I've realized that finding the right people does take time. Sure it may not have happened the first day, but only within a couple of weeks within the Fall Semester I was blessed enough to meet Charleston and Ashleigh who may not know this, but they both were able to encourage me to put myself out there when making connections with people. With consistent phone calls or a few text messages here and there from my godmother, Chisom, Alycia, Maya, Cameron Dobbs, my mom, and my sister, they were all able to keep me uplifted when days were often dark. During my time of loneliness I was able to grow in my faith more and in learning to trust in Him during my good days and bad days. Reflecting back to all the times where I was crying in my dorm room asking God where He was and asking Him why He would allow me to have such pain, the truth of the matter is, is that He was always there. And was always listening. I was just too blindsided by the pain to realize that. During those small victories and triumphs, came also pain, but in the end, I was realizing the sense of finding peace in His presence within the first few months of my Fall Semester. In which I give massive credits to our Creator who turns all things good. If I ever forget how faithful He is, I'll look back and think, "If He did it before, He'll do it again, and a thousand more times."

With love,

Hannah

-Isaiah 41:10 & Deuteronomy 31:8